I just got on to write a couple of posts about this week. I had scheduled the one below this one sometime last week and honestly, had forgotten all about it. Interestingly it posted on a day and week that I hit a brick wall with my own faith. It may appear to the outside world and those that know me in real life that I am handling this cancer well, and for the most part I am, but this week has really shaken me to the core. I just re-read that post and while all of the proper responses are so very true, I have to admit that I have failed this week.
This week I have been struggling. I'm scared, angry, sad, just can't even describe all that is going on inside. It feels like when we first found out about the cancer. I am trying to take captive the thoughts that are flooding my heart and mind. A friend reminded me that the battle is in my mind. I feel like I'm in a war to be honest. My mind is rushing with thoughts, not always good ones, my emotions are all over the place, and my heart is breaking with grief and sadness. I have to be strong and get over this hump. I don't want to waste what time I have here in this present state of being. Only God knows how long and I sure do hope that I will look back on this time several years down the road and thank God for what I've learned through this.
I went to the oncologist this week. He is encouraged with my progress and glad I am feeling good. He told me that unless God intervenes and brings complete healing, I need to prepare myself to stay on this medicine the rest of my life. I am thankful for the medicine I'm able to take everyday that will extend my life, but I sure don't want to take it the rest of my life. Of course, I will but I didn't want to hear those words. I am thankful I feel good and for the most part am able to function normally. I actually feel better this summer than I did last summer, which is amazing to me. The medicine does affect my digestive system and that is not always pleasant to deal with, but it could be so much worse. Don't get me wrong, I am truly thankful for the medicine, but when you hear these words, it shows you how dependent you are on medicine to keep you alive. I think the reality of this cancer has hit me in the face again.
So, if you think of me in the coming days, please pray for me as I walk this path. I'm asking the Lord to raise up intercessors, so if you think of me, that is because I just prayed and asked him to raise up intercessors. :-) Yesterday, an older lady friend was praying with me and while she was praying, a text came in at the same time, from a friend who was on a trip and just wanted me to know she was praying for me. God amazes me how He works! He truly cares about each and every detail of our lives. Now, if I can just believe it all the time. Pray for our faith to be increased.
May your day be blessed -
Molly
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